In my observation, my unicorn’s colors are plentiful.
Two years ago, I met the man of my dreams. I had no idea I could love this hard. I had no idea what it felt like to have someone in my court who was willing to boost me up and make me a better version of me. I had no idea what it was like to be partnered with someone who worked hard, made money, laughed, and enjoyed life like I do.
Until that wasn’t true.
And it really didn’t take long for things to shift, but I was here for it.
In a quick minute, we’ve been through a lot. I could never have gotten through the death of my only sibling without you.
Actually, that’s not true. I’m a strong bitch, and I would have figured it out. However, your presence, grace, and assistance in those moments is something I can never repay you for.
For that, and many other things, I am grateful.
I’ve really waivered about how to put this down on digital paper. I’m struggling so hard right now with so many things. So, of course, you chose this time to leave me–yet again. Why stick around when shit’s hard, right? It’s so much easier to just run away and start something new and fun. Hell, I’d be right there with you if you’d only let me.
We both have things we don’t like about the other. The difference is, one of us spends their energy finding all the beautiful things about their partner, while the other one wants to “coach” their person to be a better version of themselves.
Never did I ever say I wasn’t willing to be coached, despite the fact that the word in itself makes me absolutely freak out. I make a lot of changes and concessions to keep you happy. You just never see them because you’re too busy being better than me.
Question: Who gave you the keys to the kingdom? Which people have said that you’re the person who does everything right in this life?
It seems to me as though we’re all humans — flawed humans. We’re generally just doing the best we can to get by, and sometimes, a smile, giggle, or selfie might ensue. I live my life in the hopes of being happy because I’ve been very, very unhappy for a lot of what I’ve already lived.
I’ve busted my ass to support useless men. I’ve been the only no-plus-one at weddings. I’ve been not-invited to family functions of my partners (sound familiar?). I’ve trained my replacements at jobs when I didn’t even know I wouldn’t have a job. I’ve delivered my own food to people who I later learned made more money than I did.
I’ve never had a date to dance, wedding, or holiday party, with the exception of the one I told you about whereby I embarrassingly sat at the table by myself when he sat in another room and watched basketball at the bar.
I’ve never been anything to anybody.
And now, I’m the leftover child.
So that sucks.
We made it a little over two years. In that time, I took your feedback, and I did the best I could. I like the person I am when I’m with you because it does force me to be a better version of myself. I also heard your stories, just as you heard mine, and recorded them in places in my heart where they belong. I give a lot of grace–and that’s true for everyone, not just you. But the grace I’ve given you runs deep. I’ve been compared to people of the past and bit my tongue when stories would arise. We all have pasts. I do, as well. I just don’t bring them into our relationship on a regular basis.
I will never vacuum my floors in 4″ heels. I will never do my makeup just so I can pick up some salad dressing at the grocery store. I’m 41 and won’t likely be having children because every man I’ve met to this point in my life hasn’t been worthy of sharing that with me.
What I will do is love my partner unconditionally.
I will make concessions and compromises.
I will be the best version of the person I’m capable of being.
I will seek positive assets, rather than seeking out the negative.
I will not go into debt over couples therapy that was clearly bullshit.
I will honor myself and the person I’m meagerly sculpting into someone I’m proud to be.
If you’re reading this, I’d be curious about your take on the last two years. Was it really all that bad? Am I really such a wretched person that I can’t come to family functions or **Gasp** Be connected with you on social media? I mean, the bitch you fucked before you met me “liked” your post on Facebook the other day when you were showing me a video. You should have seen your face. Priceless.
The first time you left me, it was embarrassing.
The second time was humiliating — particularly given the fact that I heard you tell a cab driver how fat and ugly I am for nearly an hour when you didn’t know I was on the phone. Shame on you. I’ve literally lost friends over you.
The third time? This is truly awful. You’ve destroyed me. You love power and control, so I hope this feels good. I was always there for you. I’m an amazing woman and I took everything you handed me.
You’ve caused me an immense amount of hurt, but you’ve also brought me so much happiness. Had I known this is how it would have turned out, I just would have left town for the holiday and caught up with you another day — perhaps after the family cookout I wasn’t invited to.
When you choose your next idiot, make sure she’s young, dumb, and pretty. She also needs to be pretty submissive and make no money so you can control everything she does. I’m thinking — 22? 26 didn’t work last time, so maybe just drive further back in the age pool. I’m sure you’ll find someone who has absolutely zero self-identity if you look hard enough. And God knows, you sure know how to put the effort into finding flaws.
In your next experience, I hope you make an effort to see your partner more than once a year and, maybe, you’ll even find something positive about her. Thanks for the good times!