In my observation, I knew who I was — once upon a time. I was happy. I was successful. I had a good job, owned my own home, had a dog, maintained a reasonable weight, and looked pretty cute.
That was a long time ago.
I still have a dog and own a home, but the rest has gone by the wayside.
It’s funny to say, but social media has caused much of my demise.
When I was lonely and desperate in 2009, I matched sparks with a friend of a friend. He came with references, so why would I have any reason to have suspicion?
He robbed me blind over the course of three years because I was lonely and desperate and just wanted someone in my life who I could shower my love upon.
I’m a lover, not a fighter.
I still remember the day I met him after work (work #2 because I worked two jobs to pay the bills while he paid nothing). I extended my hand to his friend, and the friend said, “Kelvin, I didn’t realize your roommate would be joining us tonight.”
For fuck’s sake. We talked for months (which is obviously a trivial amount of time) before he decided to move from Florida to Denver to start a life with me.
The agreement was this: I would pay for a one-way ticket to Florida, he would pay for the rental car and hotels to get us back.
As we stood in front of the Avis counter that day, he looked at me and asked if I was going to give the man my card. I knew I was fucked. That was a bad situation that lasted for many years and many, many dollars.
Like I said, I was his roommate. At least, as far as he was concerned.
The funny thing about social media — he absolutely refused to befriend me on Facebook and whatever social sites existed at the time. I always swore I wouldn’t let that matter because it’s petty as fuck, but really… it can matter. For me, it does matter now.
He used to take his phone into the bathroom so he could check out Facebook. Then, he would return to the living room to report about the goings on in his friends’ lives. After being introduced as the roommate, you can imagine how this deflated my being. Super shitty for all kinds of reasons. He was a terrible person who took advantage of me for a very long time.
Not too long ago, he requested my connections on LinkedIn and Facebook. The irony.
In my current situation, social media has always played an equally relevant part in the obstruction of my self-esteem.
It goes without saying that sex is an imperative part of any two humans’ interactions. I have none. That, alone, can really fuck a person up.
Years ago, we were friends and followers on the few social media sites I frequent. Every time my Other got upset with me, he would delete me. Childish move, but I guess I enabled it.
Here we are, four years later. My Other and I are not friends on Facebook, we don’t follow each other on Twitter, and as minimally as I post on Instagram, it would still be nice to be connected. He’s a photographer, so his life is Instagram, and I am not a part of it. I tried to send my Other a message on Facebook the other day, but I couldn’t find him; he told me he deleted his profile.
I feel like the world is ashamed of me. Like I’m good enough to use but not good enough to be seen with.
I want my 20s and 30s back.
I started an argument tonight, which wasn’t supposed to be an argument, but how do you address so much pain without emotion?? One of my Other’s Navy buddies died the other night. It’s hit him hard, as it would any normal human being. In the face of this, he told me he never actually deleted his Facebook. So I guess I was blocked?
How childish I feel for making this such a pivotal trust issue. At the same time, how incredibly painful is it to always be considered a second-class citizen?
I’m tired. I don’t want to take care of everybody else. I need to be taken care of so I can be there for my people when they truly need me. At this point, I cannot. I’m exhausted. My emotions are fleeing. My ‘me’ is fleeing. I don’t want to be blocked or disregarded anymore.
My messages are important. My presence is important. My being matters. Even if not to you — it does to somebody. Or it will someday. Someday, somebody will not be embarrassed to be seen with me.