In my observation, “Let it go” is so easy to say when you’re not a player in the game. Or, perhaps I should say, when you haven’t been played in the game.
Here we are, two long months after the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever felt.
I want to say that I’ve cried more than I ever have, but that wouldn’t be true, and I don’t lie. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. A lot. I’ve meandered across the ocean, driven through tropical mountains, hung out with random strangers, and slept beside men who seemed fulfilling at the time. They weren’t my person.
I miss my person.
So fucking much.
In that light, I’ve learned that the person I loved so incredibly deeply either isn’t the person I love, or I put blinders on and chose to ignore the things that should have made me run. In retrospect, there were so many red flags, but in the moment, I had a tiara on my head and was treated like a princess. That’s never happened to me before.
So, it is with this, that I choose to love the fact that I was so in love and disregard the aftermath. The levels of dopamine I experienced in 2021 were unfathomable, and for that, I’ll forever be grateful. Since the destruction, I’ve learned how to be okay with not always being okay. Because I’m human, and I am faulted, but the right man will love me for my faults and pick me up when I fall, as will I with him. In total transparency, I believe I had that in my relationship, but things went sideways, and I couldn’t, in good conscience, be a part of that history.
However, I refuse to let that erase our history.
My god was I in love. So fucking in love.
And man did it feel good.
So it is with this, dear upcoming 2022, that I beg of you to let me feel something so sincere and raw. Give me a hand to hold and flesh to sleep next to. Let me open my heart and share my history, and in return, let them do the same to me.
I’m near tears as I write this because my love is so fucking deep and raw. It’s wasted. My love shan’t be wasted any longer.
And so it is also with this, dear 2022, that I let some things go:
- Anger. The anger has to leave me. I’m ready for it to be absorbed into the universe with the dust that lingers behind standing as a memory that can blow away in the wind.
- Betrayal. This all happened without me knowing it was starting. I didn’t have any idea. I didn’t do it, but I would never change what we had.
- Lesser-Than. I am good enough to be somebody’s wife. Somebody will be lucky to have me. I am not lesser-than.
- Sadness. Sure, I’ll be sad about tons of things, but not this thing any longer. I promise to love it for the love it gave me and walk away when negative feelings creep in.
- Comparisons. I am not her and she is not me. Nor are either of us anyone else in the world. I will embrace me for me and everyone else for who they are. I’ve worked so hard to be me, and I think I’m pretty awesome.
- Lies. Lies, even when they’re sprinkled with truths, are still lies. I promise to remove myself from them when at all possible and look out for my heart when danger creeps in. My heart is fragile. She deserves my protection, and I need to be smarter about the people I let meet her.
It’s 11:35pm on December 31, 2021. It’s time to let it go. Love me for who I am, because I’m pretty awesome. If you don’t see it, look in the mirror. My guess is? It’s probably you, not me.